Levity

The man thought a moment then replied? “A martini, please”.
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?”
The man answered “oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity”interstellar space travel’, ‘the latest medical breakthroughs’, etc… the man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

“A Martini please?”
Again it was superb. The robot again asked “What is your IQ sir?”
This time the man answered, “Oh, about 100″. So the robot started Discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″..??

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
“A-R-E Y-O-U-R P-E-O-P-L-E G-O-I-N-G T-O N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E H-I-L-L-A-R-Y – ?-?-?-?”

1956 – Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 – School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 – Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some asprin to school.
1956 – Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed .
1956 – Ants die.
2006 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 – In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh?

FARMER: “I wanna get me one of those dayvorces.”
LAYWER: “Do you have any grounds?”
FARMER: “Yes, I got 40 acres.”
LAYWER: “No, you don’t understand, do you have a suit?”
FARMER: “Yes I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.”
LAYWER: “No, no, I mean do you have a case?”
FARMER: “No, I ain’t got no case, but I got a John Deere.”
LAYWER: “No, I mean do you have a grudge?”
FARMER: “Yes, I got a grudge, thats where I parks the John Deere.”
LAYWER: “Does your wife beat you up or something?”
FARMER: “No, we both get up at 4:30.”
LAYWER: “Is your wife a nagger?”
FARMER: “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants one of those dayvorces.”

Thanks Greg for this lil nugget.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament…

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son…

Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son…

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances
Love, Bubba

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. “One American Marine is better than ten Iraqi soldiers”.
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls : “One American Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi soldiers”. Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The American voice calls out again “One American Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi soldiers”.
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought, then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander: “Don’t send any more men, its a trap. There are two of them!”
Thanks Greg Roper for that one.

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

Once upon a time there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. “Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

“It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.

I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I’d say you must be French”.